that she told me these things but I don’t remember the conversation.’  And in my head I was like, ‘oh maybe the boss is overwhelmed and just saying these things to cover her own ass.’ But we could tell that she was forgetting things.”

 

Gail was only in her mid-50s.  And even her doctor was pointing to other causes for her memory lapses.

 

“At that point she was going to doctors,” Lauren remembers.  “And she said that her doctor was saying that she was depressed but that the anti-depressants were not working because of the hormonal shifts of menopause.  And that her memory was being affected because of the depression.”

​

Gail’s struggle was deepening, but after a lifetime of trying not to be a “burden” to anyone and take on her problems herself, she was going deeper into her own survival mode.  

​

Lauren remembers when she could no longer do work as a human factors engineer.  “She was

just determined and so she started teaching a religious studies class at Helen’s school and started

working at a garden center.  At that point she was in survival mode and there was no job that was

below her.  It was a very scary and sad time.”

​

Charlie remembers talking to Gail during this time. “She said ‘Mark is making good money so I

amgoing to step back and work at this nursery,’” he recalls.  “And they had to let her go because

she wasn’t showing up.” 

​

At some point, we know that Gail went back to one of her lifelong habits, and started researching what resources existed for how to live with Alzheimer’s Disease, because we have a page of her handwritten notes that were recovered after her death.  It’s very possible that occurred after she was formally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s after moving to New Orleans in 2012.  But the quality of her handwriting and the complexity of the task suggests that it may have happened at a point in her disease while she was still in Denver – potentially years before she was formally diagnosed.  But if Gail was more clear-eyed about what she was facing, she didn’t share it and it didn’t translate to more explicit requests for help.  She continued to try and manage things on her own.  

​

Around this time her twin brother Gary remembers visiting. “I came into her house and saw a pile of mail that was two feet tall with IRS notices, and Tax Liens, and we realized how bad it was.  And Charlie got more involved.”

​

A turning point for her siblings happened when a lot of the family came to Denver in 2012 for a New Orleans Saints game versus the Broncos.  

​

As Bridget remembers, “Gail was a wreck and saw lots of notes she was leaving for herself… sticky notes all over the refrigerator.  It was a very weird trip and we started realizing there was a lot more going on than we had realized.” 

​

“Basically they did an intervention and she finally succumbed to their recommendation for her coming back (to New Orleans),” Bridget recalls. “Charlie went up to help Gail sell the house.  And Dan (Danielle’s future husband) was on the scene then and helping clear out the house.”

​

It was a major turning point.  Gail was no longer going to be in Denver, no longer going to be married to Mark, and no longer going to be fending for herself against a (yet) undiagnosed neurological disease.  

​

Charlie rented a house for her in River Ridge where Gail would be close to her mother and surrounded by her siblings. 

​

“When she finally got the divorce and we got her back to New Orleans, I rented the house for her and everyone wanted to give me the credit but I want to believe that my siblings would do the same thing for me,” Charlie reflects.  “And I know Gail would have.”

​

Charlie had played the dominant role getting Gail back to New Orleans, but it was his wife Bridget who would play the biggest role in looking after Gail when she got here.  

​

“I just took over Gail once she got down here,” Bridget remembers. “And there was never any ‘Okay, Bridget you’re going to do this.’  And I’m not sure how I wound up doing it but I was always very close to Gail.  And it just kind of built, and I remember saying, ‘Okay, I’m going to help you pay all your bills.’  And we’d sit down and walk through all of it and then I would go over a week later and realize she didn’t remember anything we had talked about. Or she would move things and not remember where she moved it.  And I thought ‘Wait a minute, we’re dealing with something here that’s more than anything we realize … We have to do a diagnosis.’ And we took her to the doctor.”

 

Gail had been living with a neurological disorder for years – perhaps close to a decade – and for the first time she had a diagnosis.  Early-onset Alzheimer’s-Dementia. 

 

“There were three days when she knew she had early onset dementia and she was like, ‘What is going to happen to me?’” Bridget remembers.  “And she was upset.  Like, ‘What is going to happen?  What am I going to do?”  And I was like, ‘You don’t need to do anything because I’m going to take care of you.’  But it did break my heart.  And Ruth was upset because she had talked to Ruth about it … and I remember telling Ruth that she was going to forget again and if there’s any saving grace with this horrible disease it’s that it won’t burden her mind forever.  And that’s exactly what happened, she just forgot about it and went on with life, and that was a relief.”

 

A Painful Adjustment 

A common adage about Alzheimer’s is that it’s a condition that’s harder on the family than the patient. What’s for sure is that family members and caretakers of people with Alzheimer’s are at greater risk for anxiety and depression compared to other diseases.  It’s a radical adjustment for family members to make, and in many cases requires working through feelings of guilt and grieving the loss of the person that they once knew, so that they can adjust to the “new” person – the person with the condition.  

 

For the people who knew Gail as the brilliant woman that they called “sister,” or “mom” or “my second mom,” it was an incredibly hard reality to face.  

 

Charlie remembers his own struggle.  “Those last years with the dementia were just so hard, seeing her

like that.  You have to understand, I never met anyone like Gail before.  Some people are so intelligent

                                                                                      that they don’t ‘get’ other people, but Gail was one of those people that could                                                                                              come down to anyone’s level and make you feel like you were the star of the                                                                                                day.” Gail’s brother Johnny still grapples with his feelings about what                                                                                                              happened. “Gail getting the condition she had, I will probably never encounter                                                                                        something so unfair.  More than my divorce.  More than Wayne’s death.  I don’t                                                                                        know how to put it in words, but seeing someone like that who was so full of life

                                                                                      and intelligence and compassion … that was the most unfair thing that I have                                                                                            ever encountered in my life.” 

 

Gary had come into this world with Gail, now he felt he was watching his twin slowly recede from it. “By the time she got back to New Orleans, it just felt like a slow decay because of how brilliant and independent she was,” Gary remembers. “And I had no hard times going to visit her but by that last summer she didn’t remember me.  And I couldn’t recognize the person I knew.”

 

One of the people who struggled most was Gail’s mother, Nona.  

 

“It was really hard for me when she got the dementia,” Nona recalls.  “Because

she was so intelligent and always used that to help other people.  You just never

saw someone so intelligent and who would light up a room.”

 

Gail’s brother Steve remembers talking to Nona during this time. “And then they

found out she had Alzheimer’s and I felt bad because my mom thought it was

something she had done, and thought she could cure it and all that.  And I tried to talk to my mom several times about that and tell her ‘It’s not YOU, it’s just something that happened.’” 

 

In some ways, Nona had been thrust back into a role she hadn’t played in more than fifty years: helping take care of Gail the way a mother takes care of a child.  

 

And then there were Gail’s children.  Her daughter Lauren remembers her own complicated journey.  

 

When her mom first moved back to New Orleans and before she had been diagnosed, “I was still in denial and I wasn’t treating her very well.  I think I was angry and impatient with her. But then I remember asking her to help me address the save the date invitations for my wedding and that’s when I realized she couldn’t spell anymore.” 

 

Soon after, Lauren had her own turning point.

 

“I had finally read a book about Alzheimer’s and got perspective of where it was going, that it would get much worse and there was actually a lot to appreciate about what she had now.  And that I needed to capitalize on it.  And I think when I came to terms with that I was able to engage with her and just be with her in the moment and not need her to be different.  Just allowing myself to be different with her.  I started going to see her more regularly … flying down to see her every 4-6 weeks.  And I could actually still feel like I was spending meaningful time with my mom.  I’d visit and we’d go to an art museum together, like NOMA.  And that was really soothing for her.  It was great to watch her enjoy things.”

 

                                                                           Bridget, who continued to be the family member most present with Gail in New                                                                                     Orleans, had her own journey. "It was very sad to watch somebody SO intelligent                                                                                    just slowly fade away.  One day I was helping her write a check and she just looked                                                                               at me and said ‘Would you just do this?’  And I realized she couldn’t even write a                                                                                       check and then I just kind of took it all over.  People in New Orleans … weren’t in the                                                                              kind of place to step up the way I could.  And in a way, they didn’t really want to –                                                                                    they just kind of let it go and it was fine.  I just said, ‘Okay, I’m all in.’  And we had fun                                                                              in the beginning, it just became more and more difficult as she lost more and more                                                                                memory.  And I was happy.  I almost felt honored for myself. It was just something I

                                                                            was doing because she was just such a sweet and loving person… and I’m happy I did it.” 

 

A Beautiful Spirit Remains

It soon became clear that Gail needed more help than the family could provide on their own.  She was still living on her own – save for her two dogs, Murphy and TK – and safety was becoming a growing concern after Gail put a metal pot in the microwave.  

 

Rhonda Stewart was a caretaker (often described by the family as more of a godsend) who had looked after

Bridget’s own mom.  Now Bridget asked her to help take care of Gail.  

 

She remembers the time she first started going to Gail’s house each day. “She was a happy

person, she liked to laugh and dance.  She would play music and dance.  I used to dance with

her, I did, it’s true … and there didn’t even have to be music and she would dance.”

 

Gail could no longer write a check, but so many of the things that had brought her joy her

entire life – music, animals, food, laughter – were still present with her. 

 

“She loved to laugh,” Rhonda recalls.  “And she loved those dogs.  Murphy was her favorite.  She would whisper that to me because she didn’t want TK to hear.  Stuff like that would be just so funny.”

​

“I just felt her spirit,” Rhonda remembers. “Ms. Gail just always showed the same spirit so I could just imagine how she was before.  And it kind of put me in the mind of my mama.  My mama was a Christian woman who was just nice to everyone all the time, and that’s the kind of spirit that I got from Ms. Gail.”

 

Bridget was also struck by the parts of Gail that shined through.  “Gail had grace even in the hardest times.  Like that part of her personality was just ingrained.  She was just very kind and loving … just happy and always very

 appreciative … even in the worst of times.  She always made a joke like ‘How did you get this job?’  And

                                                                      I would say ‘You want your brothers?’ and she would say, ‘No!’”  

 

                                                                     “It felt a lot like engaging with a toddler in some ways,” her daughter Lauren reflects.                                                                           “Where if you could just accept her for where she was and who she was, all she wanted                                                                        to do was have fun.  And I remember just being able to make her laugh a lot.”  

 

                                                                       Lauren remembers a moment when she saw a familiar side of her mom – the one that had always been able to make heavy things feel lighter.

 

“I was trying to include her in wedding decisions and I was stressing out about something and she was like, ‘I’ve got it, I’ve got it for you,’ and she ran into her room and came out with a quarter.  And she was like, ‘Here’s your wedding decision maker.  Just flip it and let it make the choice for you.’” 

 

The Very End

Lauren remembers one of her visits to New Orleans in 2018.  “My mom could remember that I had moved to Rhode Island and she would say, like, ‘I really want to visit you there.’  And one time before I was leaving she was like, ‘Do you think if you lived here that would be really great or that we would be at each other’s throats?’  And I was like, ‘I don’t know mom, I think it would be nice.’

 

“So I made a decision to bring her with me back to Rhode Island for a visit.  And I flew back with her and remember her initially being like, ‘I feel like I’m in a whole different world,’ and just being nervous that it was a mistake.  But I remember sleeping in the same room with her.  And that she helped me cook dinner and cut tomatoes.  I remember Tom playing the piano for her and she would just sit in a rocking chair and close her eyes and just really enjoyed the music.  I remember taking walks with her through the forest near our house and her commenting on the trees and the leaves and the colors because it was the fall in New England.”

 

This would be the last time Gail left New Orleans.  And the situation at her house in River Ridge was becoming increasingly precarious.

 

As Rhonda recalls, “I worried about Ms. Gail a lot.  I worried about her being alone, and I would just … I really don’t like to talk about it because it makes me emotional, but I would get out of my sleep and just go to her house any time of the night. Like whenever she fell on my mind, I would just get up and go – and go check on her.”

 

Gail had reached the point in her condition that full-time care was the only safe path forward, and the family started researching memory care facilities in the winter of 2019. 

 

Rhonda remembers this transition.  “When she went into the memory care, I was glad because she wasn’t by herself … but I just wanted everyone to be with her like I would be with her.”

 

Nona had faced her own health and aging struggles and had limited mobility.  But Rhonda took over care for Nona and would bring her to see Gail.

 

“I would bring Ms. Ruth there every day and then I would go back to see Ms. Gail by myself.  Every day.  And if Ms. Ruth didn’t come, I would still go.  I went, gave her a bath, and made sure she was alright when I left from there.”  

 

Gail’s final years in memory care were not without their happy moments.  Lauren continued to visit and even take her mom on museum and park outings.  During a visit from Danielle and her family, Gail met her first grandchild, Danielle’s son Quinn. (In fact, in a future visit, Quinn took his first steps in Gail’s presence).  Gail would still be the first one on the dance floor whenever live music was offered.  

 

But Covid emerged in the winter of 2020 and was unforgiving – shutting down visitation for almost a year.  When limited visitation reopened, Lauren came down to New Orleans for six weeks in early 2021 with the hope of making up for lost time with her mom.  By then, conducting visits from outside her window due to Covid protocol, it was clear that Gail had regressed significantly. 

 

By that summer, Gail’s body was starting to fail her.  On July 15th she experienced a seizure that limited her mobility, and restricted her walking because she had become a fall risk.  She entered hospice care.  

 

Lauren’s first child, Vivienne, was born October 14th, 2021. On October 27th, Gail stopped swallowing.  Danielle and Helen flew to New Orleans to be with their mom in her final days.  

 

On November 4th, Gail took her final breaths surrounded by her mother, her daughters (Lauren, on facetime), Rhonda and Bridget by her side.  Danielle and Helen kept telling her that it was okay … it was time.  

 

Gail had permission to let go.  

 

“I knew Gail when she was 100% and I knew her at the end.  And I’m just glad I was there at the end,” Bridget reflects.  “And Gail wanted so badly to be a grandmother and she would have been such an amazing grandmother.  But I believe she’s still here – I believe she’s here with Vivienne, and Quinn and Johanna.”